I wonder where my gratitude lies These burdens of privileges make me seem ungrateful Still I’m not not humble Truly seek satisfaction Unsure if fair to call me unappreciative for not always having it It hurts whenever someone implies I'm carrying their hopes Sometimes lost, other times unmotivated Am I a medium of misplacing trust I know what to deliver but Why do I sometimes prefer abstinence I’d rather not get up I tell myself it’s not procrastination but lack of reason I have plenty, simply faith of my believers should suffice My distant past seems brighter, Recent past worse than the present This self-worth vs time trend feels continuous Yet, it can only validly exist in discrete moments All pride stems from insecurities All pretension stems from feelings of inadequacy I inadequately handle responsibilities I inadequately know what actions are worth acting on Being a different version of myself means evading responsibilities of real self, So I call it Yah-tin instead of Yuh-tin All this pretension weakens my character In my defense, feeling worth enough is no easy task How should I feel it without knowing the objective units of worthiness I hope self-realization leads to a better understanding of self-worth metrics This writing seems to propagate this realization for now, Shouldn’t have my worth depend on others’ views of me, But what am I without my environment Most of my identity is what I perceive of it through others’ eyes So I do crave appreciation Does that make me insecure I would thrive solely on self-appreciation, But it would feel arrogant to do so Don’t need much - a little whisper of I believe in you Some people are great, they make you feel new I sometimes prefer being away from my family/people I like It makes being close worth more I trade things I have for things I used to or don’t And then trade those things back Do I more often gain more than lost If lives are balanced, the gain will soon be traded for losses regardless Is there a threshold to my number of trades Will I settle down at some point I guess new experiences help me gain more than lose I feel empty after the greatest moments pass Partly because the moment is over Partly because it seems selfish to enjoy my privileges Sometimes selfishly following my inconsequential endless happy trails doesn’t seem moral Am I governed by balances or am I in control Will too much nectar not make it taste like water eventually Are highest peaks always followed by lowest depressions And if so, is it even worth climbing them I wish I was allowed to wander down trails of infinity I like to think I can decide whether I want to be governed by balances I mean I have to forcefully assume this Otherwise I could kill myself and it would be justified by balances and futility An attempt at unlimited happiness is what motivates me to work I don’t have a counterargument to futility Except this power of decision Terming it a proof by contradiction doesn’t seem illogical Double negatives are supposed to be redundant Yet calling your own argument logical is more arrogant than calling it not illogical Regardless I’m trading feelings for feelings Intelligence for community Economic status for lifestyle Wow a relatively easier opportunity than most to be healthy That’s my privilege So many can’t afford these trades Then is that the goal? Become a master trader? Trade until you have everything worth not trading away anymore Hit the threshold, reach satisfaction I don’t know about role models I could follow Interestingly, a saint seems more satisfied than Bezos to me I wish to be like my brother Yet I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s If only most immediate actions aligned With great stars and intentions Must owe great responsibilities Or is all I owe to anyone to make sure I’m happy and grateful Is it not oblivion to be only self-satisfied Helping the less fortunate could be responsible But is it abiding by society or To society is happiness of some people more valuable Sometimes are shaped great cycles Being self-satisfied translates to spreading smiles to less fortunate Helping less fortunate contributes to self-satisfaction “We have to work together as a race” One in thirty-nine seemed really unlikely I’m sure we’ve bested even greater odds But it’s unfair to pick when I believe in luck And when in fortune Don’t remember having layered dreams before Wouldn’t mind Shelton’s hair Do making moves on those imaginary board games Allude to the uniformly random, hurried beats of my heart Unbiased coin flips are my saved registers Always dictating my morals somehow Unaltered by environmental functions and my biases I wonder if morals are closer to stars than to coincidences This was supposed to be an objective overview, but let me have a little fun Life will be more fun if I say stars Oh I’m so fortunate Mi amor our love was meant to be hehe I love my brain so much She can absolutely hate me But it’ll never believe that One should never judge their actions by outcomes anyway If I try my hardest, that’s all I can control Of course, the hardest can be ambiguous I hope I’ll know when to stop Okay, let’s not get carried away and ruin our analysis Should be patient said coin I will have my chance Why are my temptations tested so often Precious gems must birth from strongest resistances But isn’t my price frivolous if my target customer isn’t interested Greatest marketeers sell products to non-audiences Isn’t that a scam, even though the customer comes ‘voluntarily’ I don’t wish to scam anyone I’d rather know if she isn’t interested in who I am Not induce her feelings for whom I’m pretending to be It’ll be more efficient to market elsewhere or not at all But am I really anything if not pretension I don’t carry a lot of intrinsic beliefs My decisions are almost always event-specifc I guess that is a form of belief of it’s own I’m fine with getting closure, not fine, but better than now The coin promises me my wishes Not once has it not kept its agreement Unsure if it’s my impatience or customer’s disrespect The latter seems unlikely but I’m no mind reader Be happy with what you get And stop expecting more than you deserve Knowing what you deserve is impossible but can recursively define it as what you get You get what you deserve but also what you deserve is what you get Do cool words hide my insecurities I wish no deceit But not knowing myself means I can’t promise accurate portrayals Should people not advertise if uncertain about the product My intrinsic inability to know is limiting A higher species could be expected better from These agents deem my morals ineffective Nobody does consider morals universally true Truth doesn’t exist for certain cases Replicating in a machine would be interesting But settling for morals is only justified for cases with no truth Someone might morally believe killing others is the way to salvation, I really hope it’s true that killing others is a horrible deed If I could execute my thoughts I’d be better Being a better person is a good amount of what I thrive for Checked the heart Need to check the discipline The more I explain myself The more my thoughts become boring Three hours were wasted thinking about nothing I could vanish and nothing changes Unsure if a depressing or an irrelevant statement Apparently getting to top isn’t considered as hard as staying up there Yet from ashes to flames makes a great story But keeping the flame burning isn’t respected as much Rather watch slumdog millionaire than A documentary - Donald trump doesn’t lose his dad’s money This undervalues work in the latter scenario Speaks of our ironic beliefs Can’t distinguish genuine appeals from plots meant to sway People state things they don’t believe in To support temporary arguments It’s unfair to pick and choose opposites attract Or you make me complete With we don’t have a lot in common When they use the same logical setup of dissimilar people but opposite arguments about their compatability In these cases we don’t build arguments on logic We modify our logic to satisfy our arguments Our personal biases govern such reason Our self-affirmation makes us justify our decisions instead of making justified decisions It makes us happier but hollower, weird tradeoff This can be misused by an agency to encourage unreasonable actions If they figure how to alter your biases My and my customer’s heads engage in this too We call it upon the stars to leave weird trails for us Orange monkeys were four times three Genesis of Earth was four plus three Four negative three makes us one Coincidences surprise us and we demand reason I would have said it was meant to be I did so during previous pitches in fact But now I understand my biases If this was an argument to prove predestination The insignificances of f(four, three) for infinitely many f(x) And that of genesis and monkeys with respect to some of these functions Make for infinitely many logical counters Regardless I love these numbers Helps cloud our judgements I don’t mind the false reaffirmation for decisions that feel great Because one misconception that proves a decision is great isn’t logical Doesn’t mean the decision can’t be great I seem happier and it’s all that matters What are the chances? With a meandering heart, as high as you want them to be FUCKFUCKFUCK I let down the coin Alas my customer made sure I wasn’t delusional Atleast I’m not disrespected About as unaffected as I’m sad Impatient and immature, I did call it upon myself Consequently the coin called off its promises Everything is so predictable I mostly know the consequences of my actions Although sometimes helps me be righteous, I’m bored Can I not be surprised? Can nothing come out of nowhere Grab my balls, make me squeal, leave me in wonder Maybe the decisions I make are too easy Imagine instead of deciding when to study Having to constantly run away from the police And living with the uncertainty of when you might get caught It’s horrible how I can relate to such actions And sympathize with a possible murderer I want to join a fight club I don’t think I can predict how many punches come my way I feel too austere, I wonder what my blood tastes like I don’t feel hatred or spite But I want to punch someone’s face in and get my own scarred while we both smile My logic is skewed, how am I ready to let down my great stars Only because I’m bored? These biases are so influential Earlier satisfied with coin flips dictating morals, And now I find knowing morals boring I either need to make up my mind or Stop thinking too much Sometimes I do feel satisfied in moments Should live for those Just feel really hollow right now Would I wish for a numb brain if I could? I wanted to be a bird when I was younger Evolution is real, but what purpose does it serve? What the fuck is that question? What purpose does anything serve? I think two options Someone really gracious turns around predictable toggles While I sit here, really thankful but not very entertained I serve as a test subject for hopefully meaningful research Or I just am Don’t know if I’d prefer either I could make better decisions if I knew though If I just am, I’ll carelessly do what I want If I’m part of some research I’ll live more by the truth and my morals Not be in a superposition between the two It’d be so cool to have a clone We’ll both live by each purpose I’m sure out of billions, many live on both extremes I’d just like information about the correct one Onwards I go with unrealized individual worth metrics Can try to understand the reasons for life origins By relating it to that of things we build All such things are created to serve a form or/and function They’re either given shape just for the hell of it/by accident Or/and designed to serve a certain function Consider the invention of written language Could have been introduced to Allow communicating ideas more effectively than hand expressions Or/and someone really bored of drawing wall engravings Decided to list some symbols and assign them Everyday objects and feelings All for the sake of it As unlikely as the exclusive latter seems, It is also hard to imagine a whole language system Created by an individual to be more efficient for him Than communicating that thought with some finger pointing And if the function came first It still has to take the form of language For my sanity, I’d like to assume everything around me is as real/unreal as me I really hope my life isn’t just a series of events someone is dreaming away Only the co-existence of function and form seems plausible Similarly we struggle to imagine if we were created to serve a pre-destined function Or we just exist to live by our intentional/impulsive decisions Drawing parallel to reasoning behind our creations indicates a mixture Maybe then our superposition is justified There is no correct amount of planning My current combination of spontaneity With some amount of analyzing isn’t too shabby There is no correct way of living my life But there could be so many more layers to existence than form and function Dealing with abstract feelings/concepts like soul, love that seem to add meaning And heavily relying on my morals to dictate my function, Well knowing about the limitations of my shifty morals, They all often make me doubt the intentions/rightfulness of my actions I guess I shouldn’t bother about things that I can’t control I just hoped I could control myself more I shouldn’t complain, it’s good to have unachievable goals It was all five minutes of thrill - getting into a decent university, declaring major, landing jobs I could predict more dreams that will be a few minutes of thrill - Owning my exotic animal farm, getting rich, getting the girl I like It’s not very satisfying to keep having to ask what’s next Controlling my emotions, finding my function, becoming a perfect man They seem like great journeys that I’ll never achieve, But pursuing which will make me animate almost throughout my life Lacan, I might feel self-alienated every time I look in the mirror, Hating myself for the person I wish to be but am not and loving myself for trying to be that person But these thoughts makes me feel alive, and I am really thankful for it Just always be nice Yatin, and very very stupid Oh man, this nice and stupid act is causing pain How can this customer have so much power over me Her minutes of attention equate to satisfaction from days of completed tasks I'm consciously ridding all ego just for some tiny attention Given attention I know I can crack her up Her smile is mightier than anyone's pen Nowadays I don't even see her smile past this internet wall Yet, I still desire her attention I know she'll smile and facepalm to some of my messages I mean who seems so innocent but has thoughts of a little devil like her Who bends their wrist like a T-rex's arms to make an emoji keyboard app sound smart like her What sane person doesn't think there's something really wrong with me when I discuss my poopy adventures at a dinner like her I feel weird saying it but also the most beautiful woman I've ever seen Haven't met anyone else who's thoughts I'm more clueless about I get hurt taking insults But I could listen to her calling me the worst person all day Yet she cherishes someone else more As sad as talking to him makes me, I am good friends with him It was wrong to despise him initailly, can't blame him Can't blame her either Don't want to blame myself And would never dare to blame my pretty destiny I thought my feelings were always true Unfortunately my shifty words and indecisive actions may have indicated otherwise I really shouldn't be asking to cook for her, Or still trying to make her smile It is straight out of a dream to teach her web design I may even fool her into thinking I have the slightest of brains But I know seeing her smile only once in a month will hurt me for the rest of it I have this stupid optimism that tells me everything will work out in the way I want it if I’m good Even though reality doesn’t align, it doesn’t believe that Sometimes I’m smarter and more realistic, but that’s when it hurts I know it’s been so long that I should get a grip of myself and move on I need more strength Why does being a simp of sorts feel morally correct Not a complete sucker though, I have some esteem deep down Come on Yatin, you're stronger than this Mr. Baxter suggests waiting a thousand days If it wasn't necessary to obey social norms Or if I had a little more courage Or if any of these activities were socially normal I would make hundreds of shitty songs and sing them to her and the world I'd challenge her man to a wrestling match I'd give her a thousand days to decide if she'll be mine I'd message all her friends and family asking for help None of this would be really cool or wholesome Honestly I would have done anything for you I wish you could have known/appreciated the worth of that It's fine Yatin, this is the last time you think of this. My stars are starting to turn It's probably part of a greater plan to build my character In the moment it seems hard to put up with anything Closest friends and family don't seem to care enough I hardly complain, and nobody listens even the few times I do I wish it wouldn't build up on me Often I feel really alone and wonder what 'voluntarily' ending it all would mean but I know I won't It's familiar when people try to be friends with me primarily to get closer to my other friends even if they don't know/like me Sometimes this scenario gets extended so far that they become genuinely good friends with me My family doesn't realize when they're being controlling I mostly don't comply out of agreement or fear, but out of respect Freedom to act the way I want is a privilege I miss If it wouldn't make my family feel sad I would book a ticket back to Cal at their dissaproval Would still love them just the same if not more for respecting my choice Give me a room, a computer, a desk, a chair, sufficient water and food supply and Either nobody Or one of those persons who equally cares back about me Or a hundred strangers to perform in front of In the former two, my stupidity/logic should be convincing for comfort In the latter, I would be happy to convince five out of a hundred people Put my stupidity together with some singing and dancing and I know I can hit that conversion rate But if it's a group of three or four as it all so often is, I can't match their discussions I stay silent, all I say is interesting, damn, wow I add almost nothing, I don't engage, I don't ask many questions I have such a strong, intentionally-crafted inability to debate I want to say reduce police funds, or uncontrolled AI is bad, or home workers in India should be illegal and be provided alternative jobs by the government, or Modi's bans are immoral But honestly I don't think these conversations with three or four people or even rallies will help at all I have a sense of which path would make the world better but I don't believe that collective discussions/demonstrations drive change, a very few people in power do Democracy makes us think otherwise, but honestly my discussion or rally isn't stopping some handful government or company leaders from making any obnoxious decision they want to I'll work hard to be in a position of power to drive the decisions Then I'll try to make the world better for the however small community that entrusts me with that power But I don't think me, personally, investing as much time as I'm expected to invest while engaing in these topics with those three or four people will really help anyone except help one of us just feel a superior moral ground Unless it's a new concept for me, then I'll just absorb all your cumulated information to become more aware I've gone sometimes hours pseudo-silently in group discussions with my interestings, damns, and wows I'm sorry I'm not engaging, being me comes at the cost of a lot of potential friends Instead of discussing these topics, I'd rather just serenade you or try to help each other with lighter/indidual matters Talking to a friend's uncle inspired me so much recently He built a few products that are helping hundreds of thousands of people He is so humble and carries such an amazing persona and character it really melted me From what I'm told he doesn't engage in short-talk and has a really loving family Look behind though uncle, I'm catching up I love the smell of the air right now Berkeley is heaven, I would rather be nowhere else However weird it sounds, I think I can sense my aura here And I just feel conscious and nice and loving and loved and happy I'm two weeks in to being back and I don't even remember what I was crying about I feel so satisfied that I don't feel ambitious enough A younger me didn't need a reason to work or do things that I thought were interesting I need to remember success can't be crafted, one can't be succesful from the sheer drive to be successful I need a genuine, non artificially-induced interest in things to keep me going It's hard to be patient with people that don't genuinely listen back to your responses This writing makes it so much easier for me to vent Rather than it getting in the hands of people Who'll most probably judge me, think about how to respond, or pretend to care It's up for grabs for those that want it If I move someone down to the less concentrated end of the stranger-close friends funnel through this writing, it'll be pretty cool Otherwise I leave with a better understanding of myself Thanks for reading! Cool reward